I think my boyfriend is in depression…

alright kirsten, welcome. ok, let’s get things straight: 1) great that you wanna help him out. 2) don’t tie your role or task to his happiness. that would be called codependency and is a very, very, very dangerous thing (check it out on wikipedia). 3) you’re not a professional. you won’t fix him. if he’s lucky, he might fix himself, potentially with professional help, if indeed there’s sth to fix in the first place 4) this might be provocative, but he might feel happier when not in a relationship with you, or be unhappy around you to achieve some emotion or constellation you don’t know about (just an example for what you can not know). 5) live your own life and don’t waste yours. that will be a good example for him to do likewise. 6) has he ever turned to you and asked you for help? if not, don’t read zen to him!! 7) how long have you known him? dramatic drop as compared to what time frame before? how do you know you’ve ever truly known him until a few weeks ago? 8) do you really think that being loud around friends and the life at parties is an indicator of happiness? please do think again. 9) what do you mean when you say drink excessively *again*? what’s up with the *again* part? 10) what do you want from life if he weren’t in it? follow that! sure, it’s great to care for and about him. but he has to do his part, no-one can do that for him. especially if you don’t even know whether or not he thinks that there’s something to change from and to. focus on your life. have a companion in him as long as it makes sense for you to do so. good luck

edit: p.s. do you think that it is or is not a coincidence that he got unhappier as you discovered HE and got happier?

p.s. i just read in your other thread that you’re doing drugs with him. are you fucking crazy to do all that stuff with someone who might be in a goddamn depression? you’re in a “drugsyeah” phase and relationship and wonder why shit goes wrong? sorry for the harsh words, but i’ll tell it anytime. you wanna do sth for him? get your shit straight.

I’m glad to hear that your life has been better since discovering HE! That’s great.

Was there anything that happened that could have triggered this sudden hopelessness? You have introduced him to the life tips and read him some inspiring stuff and that’s good. But have you asked if there is something underlying that could be cause for the change in mood? I’m sure you have, but if not, you need to.
Ask him why these issues have recently been getting him down and reassure him that you will do everything you can to help him through it. Emphasize that you’re in it together and you’ll do whatever it takes during this conversation. When someone gets really down they often feel very alone so, “I love you” may not do the trick by itself.
After you get him talking about things you need to talk about what the two of you can do together and/or independently to fix those things. Be really proactive and confront the issues and ask, “What can we do to make the hopelessness go away?” Is there something he loved doing that he’s been unable to do? If so, make it happen. New found regret about some past issue? Confront it. Is work just generally making him unhappy? Get a new job. Although the latter may seem drastic, it isn’t when you weigh in happiness (I quit a long standing job after my girlfriend mentioned several times that I didn’t seem as happy and she thought it was my work. She was right, and taking that decisive action instantly brought a refreshing new outlook to life in general.)
Talking can be tough in these types of situations because of the tendency of your SO to withdraw or shrug it off. Do it though, and come at it with an optimistic approach that is action oriented.

Just my two cents. I hope it helps. I know others here will have some valuable advice for you.

Good luck. Much love to you both!

In my experience the only way to help someone you love out of something like this is to help yourself. Dont sit there with him and let his depression make you sad. You need to be out doing what makes you happy and what you love doing. Hopefully it will inspire him to get out and do enjoyable things also.
It sounds to me like he is spending too much time thinking about himself, status, financial situation etc… The best thing for him to do would be to volunteering to a charity of some type. There are a plethora of charities that accept volunteer work. sometimes seeing others in need and being able to help them can help you appreciate the blessings in your own life and give you something to feel good about.
I know you love him and that is a beautiful thing, but I hope that you have your best interest in mind. I’m not trying to be cold but depression is extremely dangerous and often times contagious. Trying to save someone can be the most defeating task. So my advice again is to save yourself and hope that he catches on.

Jesus paul calm down. Being mean and judgmental doesn’t help anything at all. What do you know about drugs anyway? She was talking about trying shrooms which are usually a completely awesome and positive experience, and completely non addictive.

On the other hand though paul has a point. If you are smoking and drinking regularly with him it will not help his depression at all. In fact it will be extremely hard for him to come out of it if he continues to live in an unhealthy manner. Alcohol and Marijuana are both depressants.

Kirsten, I’m really glad that you are being a loving and concerned girlfriend about all of this. Men can be complicated, inward creatures at times. I suggest telling him that if he’s going to be a cotton-headed ninnymuggins of self-absorption, then you’ll give him some space until his head clears. I agree with Paul that his depression shouldn’t become your burden, but at least you’re making an effort. That’s more than can be said about many couples who try to deal with this crap. My last relationship (of two years) ended when I was going through some dark times, and my ex (who was on tour) adopted the “Me me me” attitude (instead of the “we/us” as it was before) about her life-changing experience. By this point she clearly stopped caring about me, because I tried to talk to her about it, and she was non-receptive and non-reciprocal. It’s crazy that sometimes you think you know someone, and they change in the span of a few weeks. Dead love hurts. I hope things work out!! Good luck.

Cannabis, as any drugs are never a good thing when you are not in a stable mindset.
Cannabis is known to contribute to depression and although i am an advocate of educated use of all kinds of drugs I would advice to consider it as a possible part of the problem.

As for the teaching effects of shrooms of which people speak, they are true however taking psychedelic drugs when in a depressed state the chances of anxiety attacks or other bad trip effects are greatly increased.

Edit: after reading your response in the Drugs topic I must agree with Paul, quit using for a month or two see how it goes, trust me I use for over 20 years and I can start writing a story why I believe you would need to do this but I believe you know already. Listen to it.

If you have any questions whatsoever feel free to ask.

Recreational Drugs are for discovery not for refuge or escape.

Hope you find some answers.

Peace

He needs to confront his fears. He sounds mad at himself for something and hides those feelings away with the drugs and alcohol. He can ignore this and live happily, but it would be best to deal with them.
Paul is right.
Also this… @Bobby_____”In my experience the only way to help someone you love out of something like this is to help yourself.”_____It is impossible to change a person if they don’t want to change. But emotions are infectious, and can lead to change.

Yeah thats kind of what I was getting at

I was showing support for that particular opinion of yours Bobby. Ya that kinda sounds confusing if you think I was saying it to you, it was geared towards Kirsten.

kirsten: borderline is an alert-siren-red-flag-o-oh-term in a relationship. cases where you can cure borderline with your partner are very, very, very rare. a very important question would be whether he has exhibited violent or aggressive behaviour towards you and if yes, how that ended or continued or where that behaviour went now. then on the other hand, it seems very unusual to go from borderline alcoholic to alcoholic depression so quickly and swiftly, so that startles me a bit. where did you get the term “borderline” from in the first place? Also, please do note that one year is not a time period over which you can ever talk of “earlier days”. Things like this take years or decades. So it seems again a bit startling to me that it has been so severe, than ceased, and now going up again. My best guess would be that he just got a bit better temporarily, you two both and his parents naively interpreted it as “cure” and now the previous and ongoing condition just took another form, so it would now not even be a “relapse” rather than just a “continuation”. This will take years, and no matter if you stay together or not, he will have to go to therapy i presume. if you want to do s.th. for him you can accompany him to the first sessions and make sure or have an eye on he or you together pick a good person that fits to him, and discuss his impressions of the counseler after the first session with him. Also, again: with a former alcoholic, or even worse, someone who can only stay clean if his gf watches after it, the limit MUST be _absolutely_ *no* (repeat: none, zero, nada, rien, nichts) alcohol at all. not even in mouthwash, etc. You might very well consider getting him to a 12-point program like alcoholics anonymous: not a bad idea i guess. The same statement of nada holds for weed. He has to learn to get clean, and that as fast as possible, and not clean because of a watchdog, mind you. And again, you didn’t “help him through it”. You just provided comfort/interaction for some time and due to inexperience thought you helped him through. sorry to say that, but it seems true at this point. So, bottom line for you? Do whatever you want about sticking or not with him, but say to yourself at some point: “if i stay together with him, the consequences or hardness coming up will be part of that decision and i conciously entered into it.” If you stay with him you *NEED* to get your ass (sorry for that, haha :) out of his mental issues. Support him emotionally to a certain degree alright, but completely eradicate the thought of you being the cure for him in your mind. Let go *completely* the idea that you’ll cure him or are responsible for his well-being. Seek your own bliss while in that relationship if you want to stay in it, but focus on *your life*. If he then doesn’t make it and you’d think that it’s only because you didn’t support him or take responsibility for curing him, then the answer to that is that if he doesn’t make it by himself with you denying responsibility, he wouldn’t have made it lastingly and sustainably over, say, 20 years, even with you taking up responsibility, if that makes sense. Go focus on your life, enjoy it, and have your partner as what he is, a partner, not a goal of life or measure of success or worthiness. If you dare, read books on co-dependency and for partners’ roles in addiction- or borderline-relationships (although again, i’m not so sure about how your story matches up with what i know about borderline): what patterns in your childhood/how you’ve been raised/etc. would make it more likely that you’d think that “curing” someone from instability would make you happy, provide bliss, or can be seen as proof of worthiness or success. so good luck, i mean well with my advice.